are you so shy because you have an std?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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