I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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