Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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