we have pet lesbian snakes
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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