Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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