I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
God, I missed his penis.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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