"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize