nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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