I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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