I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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