i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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