Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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