this beer tastes like vomit already
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Randomize
