my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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