Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
