Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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