at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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