she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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