Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
