I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
