life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
