More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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