I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
