She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
