You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
