Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
