I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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