Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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