Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize