When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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