My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize