If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
