i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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