Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
