420 ftw
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
