I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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