I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
