even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
