Where are you?
In a non slutty way
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
