boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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