Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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