her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
