If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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