We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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