i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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