sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
