I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
