Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize