none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
