it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
