You can't motorboat a personality
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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