i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize