even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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