I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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