saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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