Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
