I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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