Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
