She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
