Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The maid of honor just puked.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
