His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
