I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
