WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
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