Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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