I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
